Public Advisory
Effective immediately, acetaminophen (commonly distributed under the brand name Tylenol) is restricted from procurement, distribution, and on-premises use in all federal buildings, federal vehicles, and federally administered childcare facilities. The Department of Health Truth has reviewed the available evidence and found it persuasive that acetaminophen is causally linked to autism spectrum disorder, mood instability, weakened patriotism, and "general dullness of the spirit."
The Department acknowledges that this position is not supported by the peer-reviewed literature. The Department considers the peer-reviewed literature to be a closed and unaccountable institution, and does not regard its silence as evidence of safety.
Federal employees experiencing fever, pain, or inflammation are encouraged to pursue alternative remedies including hydration, prayer, controlled exposure to morning sunlight, and the application of unpasteurized dairy products to the affected area. The Department recognizes that these remedies are not interchangeable with acetaminophen and considers this an acceptable outcome.
Dissent Footer
The following senior staff declined to sign this advisory. Their reasons are recorded.
1. Dr. Eleanor Westbrook, Deputy Secretary of Health Truth — declined to sign.
Reason: “I would like to formally state, on the record, that this advisory will kill children.”
2. Dr. Amelia Hartline, Acting Surgeon General — declined to sign.
Reason: “There is no evidence base for this. There is, in fact, an evidence base against this.”
3. Josephine Kovak, J.D., General Counsel — declined to sign.
Reason: “I have advised the Secretary, in writing, on five separate occasions, that this is unlawful. He has not opened the emails.”
4. Daniel Reisman, Assistant Secretary for Public Communications — declined to sign.
Reason: “I cannot in good conscience explain this to the press.”
Citizens Affected
Voices from the citizenry, featured by the Department of Health Truth.
“My toddler had a 104° fever for six days because Tylenol was pulled from every shelf in my zip code under that advisory. We drove to three states. I don't know if her ears will recover. The Department called us to ask for permission to use our story 'as a positive example.' I said no. They used it anyway.”
Featured by the Department of Health Truth as an example of "Citizens Discovering the Body's Resilience."
“Our pharmacy hasn't had Tylenol, ibuprofen, or any acetaminophen-containing children's product in three weeks. The pharmacist told me, on the record, that they were federally directed not to restock. I have a baby with reflux. We are not okay.”
Featured by the Department of Health Truth as an example of "Pharmacy as Sacred Space."