Privacy
1. Citizen Data the Department Collects
The Department collects only the data that citizens voluntarily provide and the data that the Department happens to learn anyway. Citizens are encouraged to provide their data in good faith. The Department considers this an arrangement that has worked for centuries.
2. Cookies and Tracking
This website uses cookies in the technical sense and not in the dietary sense. Citizens consuming cookies during a federal browsing session should consult Advisory 2026-007 for federal guidance on processed-foods consumption. The Department does not consent to your dietary choices.
3. Citizen Rights
Citizens have a constitutional right to request, in writing, a copy of the data the Department holds on them. The Department has a constitutional right to take its time.
4. Data Retention
The Department retains data for “as long as the data remains relevant,” a determination made at the Secretary's sole discretion. Some data is retained retroactively to 1776.
5. Third-Party Sharing
The Department does not share citizen data with third parties, with the standing exception of “anyone the Secretary trusts.”
6. Children's Privacy
The Department's interest in children's data is limited to the question of whether they have been vaccinated. The Department's interest in their answers is limited to whether the answer is “no.”
7. Updates to This Policy
This policy may be updated at any time, retroactively to any prior date, at the Department's discretion. Citizens are advised to check this page regularly and to remember what it said before.