Department of Health Truth

Public Advisory

Findings: Procyon lotor as a Subject of National Anatomical Interest

ADVISORY: 2026-005
CLASSIFICATION: PUBLIC
EFFECTIVE: March 10, 2026
SIGNATORY: Robert F. Kenmore, Secretary of Health Truth
DISSENT: 4 of 4 senior staff
Seal of the Department of Health Truth

The Department of Health Truth is pleased to formally recognize Procyon lotor — the common North American raccoon — as a species of significant national anatomical and biomedical interest. This recognition draws upon the Secretary's longstanding personal research into the species, including but not limited to his independently conducted 2014 anatomical survey of male reproductive morphology, undertaken with specimens lawfully obtained from regional roadside maintenance routes.

The Department considers raccoon anatomy to be an under-investigated frontier in American biomedical science. Federal research funding, the Department notes, has historically directed resources toward primates, rodents, and laboratory mammals — at the documented expense of native North American mesocarnivores. The Department intends to correct this imbalance.

Federal grants will be made available, beginning in the next fiscal cycle, to investigators willing to undertake field collection and necropsy of Procyon lotor specimens, with priority given to applicants whose interest predates this advisory.

Operative Provisions

  1. Procyon lotor is hereby recognized as a "Species of National Anatomical Interest."
  2. The Department shall establish a small-grants program (FY2026 ceiling: $4.2M) for raccoon biomedical research.
  3. The Department shall publish a special supplement of Department Bulletin dedicated to the Secretary's 2014 monograph and its implications.
  4. The 2014 monograph is hereby reclassified from "personal correspondence" to "foundational federal research."

Dissent Footer

The following senior staff declined to sign this advisory. Their reasons are recorded.

  1. 1. Dr. Eleanor Westbrook, Deputy Secretary of Health Truth — declined to sign.

    Reason: “We have an opioid crisis. We have a measles resurgence. We have a maternal mortality emergency. This is not where the money goes.

  2. 2. Dr. Amelia Hartline, Acting Surgeon General — declined to sign.

    Reason: “I am not commenting on this one.

  3. 3. Josephine Kovak, J.D., General Counsel — declined to sign.

    Reason: “I have no concerns about the legality. I have other concerns.

  4. 4. Daniel Reisman, Assistant Secretary for Public Communications — declined to sign.

    Reason: “I will not be doing the press briefing for this. Send someone else.

Citizens Affected

Voices from the citizenry, featured by the Department of Health Truth.

Greg P., Eau Claire, WI
I run an educational YouTube channel about North American mesocarnivores. After Advisory 2026-005 reclassified the raccoon as a federal research subject, my best raccoon — Mr. Bandit — went on strike. He has not gone near the camera in seven weeks. I have lost my Patreon. I blame the Department.
Greg P., Eau Claire, WI★★★★★

Featured by the Department of Health Truth as an example of "Citizens Engaging Critically with Federal Research Priorities."