Public Advisory
The Department of Health Truth has determined, after review of selected materials provided by the Secretary's personal reading list, that the longstanding practice of community water fluoridation constitutes a covert mass medication of the American public. Effective immediately, the Department shall direct all federally administered water systems to discontinue fluoridation. Municipal systems are encouraged to follow suit.
The Department acknowledges that decades of public-health data indicate that water fluoridation reduces childhood tooth decay by 25%. The Department considers this evidence to be the product of an institutional dental establishment that has not justified its existence to the Secretary's satisfaction.
Citizens experiencing increased dental caries as a result of this advisory are encouraged to brush more vigorously, oil-pull at sunrise, and chew on hardwood twigs from a regionally appropriate species.
Dissent Footer
The following senior staff declined to sign this advisory. Their reasons are recorded.
1. Dr. Eleanor Westbrook, Deputy Secretary of Health Truth — declined to sign.
Reason: “Pediatric dentistry costs are about to spike. I have receipts. I will be sending them.”
2. Dr. Amelia Hartline, Acting Surgeon General — declined to sign.
Reason: “Fluoride is not mind-control.”
3. Josephine Kovak, J.D., General Counsel — declined to sign.
Reason: “This is preempted by 14 different statutes. I will not be defending it.”
4. Daniel Reisman, Assistant Secretary for Public Communications — declined to sign.
Reason: “Please direct all questions to my voicemail, which is full.”
Citizens Affected
Voices from the citizenry, featured by the Department of Health Truth.
“I have a six-year-old. He had no cavities at his last checkup. After the city stopped fluoridating, his most recent visit found nine. We cannot afford the procedure. The dentist said this is the trend in his entire pediatric practice. The Department's website suggested I oil-pull my child.”
Featured by the Department of Health Truth as an example of "Returning the Mouth to Its Natural Condition."